How Do You Move Forward From Noticing Regret? A Pet Parent’s Guide
In Episode 80, we named two kinds of caregiver regret — decision regret and noticing regret — but naming a feeling isn't the same as knowing what to do with it. This post is the practical next step: a framework, a script, and a set of questions to help you actually move forward.
"A Practical Follow-Up to Episode 80: You Did Your Best... But What If You Didn't?"
By Karen Wylie, EdD, Executive Director of Animal Hospice Group and Co-Founder of BrightHaven Caregiver Academy
What's the Difference Between Decision Regret and Noticing Regret?
If you haven't listened to Episode 80 yet, here's the short version.
Decision regret is the second-guessing that follows a choice you made — what treatment to try, when to say goodbye, whether you pushed hard enough for a different diagnosis. It responds pretty well to hearing “you did your best,” because the honest truth is, you usually did make the best decision you could with what you knew at the time.
Noticing regret is different, and harder to sit with. It's the regret of seeing a possible warning sign in your pet — a small limp, a slower run, an off day — and not following through on it right away. As we said in the episode:
“It's not, ‘I didn't know.’ It's, ‘I noticed, and I didn't follow through.’”
— Karen Wylie, Episode 80
That distinction matters, because these two kinds of regret need different things from you. Decision regret needs reassurance. Noticing regret needs something more active — which is what the rest of this post is for.
What Can You Actually Do With Noticing Regret?
A conversation can name a feeling. It can't always resolve one. So here is a four-step framework you can actually use, the next time noticing regret shows up — whether that's about a pet you've already lost, or something you're worried about right now.
- Name exactly what you noticed. Instead of a vague “I should have known,” write or say out loud exactly what you saw, and when. “I noticed him hesitate on the last stair a few times over about two weeks.” Specificity turns a shapeless guilt into a fact you can actually examine — and, often, forgive.
- Separate what you knew then from what you know now. Hindsight adds information you didn't have in the moment. Ask yourself: what did I actually know then, versus what do I know now? The gap between those two lists is usually where the guilt is hiding — and it's not fair to hold yourself to knowledge you didn't have yet.
- Turn the noticing into a practice. If you're worried about missing something again, don't rely on memory or hoping you'll “just notice.” Start a simple weekly note, photo, or short video of your pet — the same habit behind our LIVING quality-of-life assessment. It turns “was that a hop, or did I imagine it?” into something you can actually check.
- Choose one act of repair, not permanent penance. Guilt often wants somewhere to go. Instead of letting it circle indefinitely, choose one specific, caring action and let that be enough — an extra long cuddle tonight, a donation in your pet's name, a note in their file so the pattern is on record for next time. One act of repair, not an open-ended sentence of penance.
What Can You Say to Yourself When the Guilt Shows Up?
Sometimes it helps to have actual words ready, rather than reaching for them in the moment. Gail put it simply in the episode:
“We understand there may have been a different way. And even if we don't follow that path, we're still doing our best.”— Gail Pope, Episode 80
Here is a short script you can borrow, adapt, or say in your own words, the next time noticing regret shows up:
“I noticed something. I didn't act on it right away, and I wish I had.
In that moment, I was doing the best I could with what I knew, and with how much I wanted it to be nothing.
That doesn't mean I loved my pet any less.
I'm allowed to learn from this without punishing myself for it.”
You don't have to believe it fully the first time you say it. As we said in the episode, both kinds of regret “are real, both deserve our self-compassion, and certainly, neither one means you loved your pet any less.”
How Do You Know When a Small Sign Is Worth a Vet Visit?
A lot of noticing regret comes from genuine uncertainty in the moment — not knowing whether what you're seeing is worth a call. We're not veterinarians, and this isn't meant to diagnose anything or replace your vet's judgment. But here are a few questions that can help you get clearer about what you're actually seeing, so you're better equipped to decide — and to describe it clearly if you do call:
- Is this happening more than once, or was it a single moment you might not see again?
- Is it consistent, or does it come and go unpredictably?
- Has anything else changed around the same time — appetite, energy, water intake, mood, sleep?
- How would I describe this to my vet in one sentence, right now? If you can't answer that clearly yet, that's useful information too.
- If I'm not sure, can I jot a note, snap a photo, or take a short video today — so you're not relying on memory next week.
As we said in the episode, a vet who'd rather see you too early than too late is a gift — and a “too early” call is never wasted. You don't need to be certain before you reach out. You just need to be able to describe what you're seeing.
Both Kinds of Regret Deserve the Same Thing
Whatever brought you to this post — a decision you're still turning over, or a sign you wish you'd acted on sooner — the goal isn't to prove you did nothing wrong. It's to let what happened become information for the future, instead of a verdict on the past.
“If we continue to blame ourselves that we could have done something different along the way, we're missing out on the love that we could be sharing today.”
— Gail Pope, Episode 80
That's the heart of what this episode — and this follow-up — are really about.
Listen to the Full Conversation
This post is a companion to Episode 80, You Did Your Best... But What If You Didn't?, where Karen and Gail respond to a listener's comment and talk through decision regret and noticing regret in real time — including a decision Gail is navigating right now with her own cat, Maisie.
If this is the first time you're naming this kind of regret for yourself, our original episode on regret, Episode 21, may also be worth revisiting — Episode 80 picks up directly where that conversation left off.
How We Can Help
At BrightHaven Caregiver Academy, we’re dedicated to helping pet parents find the right balance between caregiving and family life. Here’s how we can support you:
- Personalized Consultations: Get expert guidance on creating a family caregiving plan tailored to your pet’s specific needs.
- Caregiver Support Circles: Connect with other pet caregivers and share your experiences, tips, and challenges in a supportive environment.
- Educational Resources: Explore our blog and courses for more tips on delegating tasks, managing caregiving stress, and keeping your family engaged in your pet’s care.
Let us help you find the best ways to share caregiving responsibilities while maintaining balance in your life and giving your pet the care they deserve.
