Peace of Mind for Pet Parents Episode 019: What to Do When Your Pet Dies at Home: Understanding the Physical Process, Emotional Reactions, and Gentle Rituals That Can Bring You Peace

Episode Transcript: 

Karen Wylie:

Hello, and welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents. I'm Karen Wylie here with my friend Gail Pope.

And this is a topic today that we've talked about doing for a while, and would really like to take a look—really like to explore today. I'm sorry, I have a tail that's constantly knocking my notes. Like, what on earth was I going to say, there? Now she's sitting. We'll see how long that lasts. I mean, the thing is, when you have pets—life is imperfect. I mean, that's—it just is. You can't control when they're going to bump a screen or turn the microphone off or God knows what else. I mean, you just have to have a different home if you're going to have pets. And so yeah, it’s never perfect, that’s for sure.

Today's topic is one we've wanted to explore for a long time, because it really addresses the quiet fears that most pet parents have and carry in their hearts and their heads. It's not really the fear of death itself, but the question that follows it, which is: What do I do if my pet dies at home?

So today we're going to explore and talk about some of the physical aspects of handling a pet's body after death. And of course, also talk about the emotional context for each of us, when we're handling our pet’s bodies and perhaps making decisions about their body, and how we want to be with the body or honor it in an ongoing way.

So Gail, let's start out. Can we take a look at the different emotions that each of us has when our pet dies at home? And each of us—especially you with a sanctuary—you certainly had more animals to have these experiences with than the average pet parent.

But I think there's just so many emotions you can have at that time. Part of it is shock, because even if you're prepared for it—if your pet has been in the process of dying for a long time—you think that's going to keep going on forever, and then it doesn't. So there's still always an element of shock, even if the death is expected.

Gail Pope:

Yes, it's a moment in time, isn't it? I mean, it can go all the way from fear and shock to relief to floods of tears to almost like a cold stone-like acceptance—and in the moment, you're frozen. It can happen in so many different ways. So I think the first and most important thing is for the person to be with them-selves for a little while. I mean, I'm not suggesting they're not touching or being with the animal, but to just bring themselves back down to earth.

And for me, sometimes—happily, most often—our animals have been taking a slow trajectory to the end, and when it comes, I'm not frozen inside. I'm relaxed. I'm with them. And they breathe their last, and it's as though I'm breathing it with them. And I'm okay. And there aren’t floods of tears. Sometimes there are. Sometimes they come a little later.

I think we're all different, and it really is about honoring our own selves and accepting this moment. Because it can be really hard. I mean, if there's been a death that isn't the easiest thing in the world—and a lot of deaths can be difficult—then there can be anger, fear, regret. There's so many negative emotions that can hit. And I think fear is one of the big ones there. And it's a fear that isn't fearful of something about to happen. It's just—it's that same reaction of, “Oh my God, that was awful!”

And luckily that doesn't happen very often. But for a person who's not used to seeing death—and isn’t used to how the body moves during death, and this is humans as well as animals—sometimes a human will be like on the TV, and they'll just take a breath and they're gone. And other times it will be more difficult. And so it's the same with animals.

I guess that's why we developed the Peaceful Checklist so many moons ago. Because there are so many things, so many symptoms, if you like, that are common at the end of life in that dying process. That can be so helpful to people—to understand what's normal and what's not normal. Because I think this is where the fear comes in. We're not sure when they're following the trajectory, and you see maybe little neurological impulses in the body. If you don't know that that's perfectly normal—as the mechanisms of the body, the chemical reactions—are in progress... that's normal. So once you accept what is or can be normal, then when you see it, it's almost like, “Okay. Yes. Got that. Knew that.”

So I think the more we can know about the process of birth as well—birthing and dying—they’re processes we kind of... we honor them. Maybe birth more than death in this part of our culture. But we honor them. But we don't really delve deeper into them, most of us. And when we do, it relieves a lot of the humanness.

Karen Wylie:

Yes, we carry with us—I think that's a great point.

The Peaceful Checklist—That is a PDF available on our website. So I will make sure that a link is included below in the description for this podcast. So if anyone’s interested in downloading it, you'll be able to.

I'd like to go back to what you're talking about in terms of the fear of this unknown process. Because of course—and this is what you're talking about in terms of our culture—handling death and handling our loved ones’ bodies after death is something that we've been outsourcing for years. And that isn't how it used to be for humans or for pets.

And now, of course, if there is a fear of death—and/or that not knowing of what to do—well, then euthanasia is the choice. And I think, I think for those who are fearful, the euthanasia is almost an automatic choice. And then there are other people who don't know that allowing a natural transition at home is even an option.

Gail Pope:

Oh yes, that's happened to me quite often where it's come up, perhaps in conversation towards the end of life, and somebody has said, “What do you mean? I didn’t even know that it was legal.”

You know, again with humans who die at home in bed—a lot of people think, “Oh, how much time do I have before I have to call the hospital? What do I do?” And so it really is a—this subject is a real learning experience.

And I guess I'm lucky in some ways—and not in others—that I've learned it over a lot of time. But I remember how lost and alone I felt in the early days of having an animal die at home, and not knowing quite what to do, and having that old-fashioned upbringing of, “I'm so scared this is...” and I didn't even know what I was scared of. Did I think there was a ghost in the room now? I don't know. But it's a fear that I grew up with—a dead body. 

Gail Pope:

That's something I had to learn—to honor it. The house that my loved one lived in. And when you turn it—to that understanding, of course I'm going to honor this body. The word dead isn't important. This is the house that they lived in, and I want it to look nice, and I want to celebrate it. I want to celebrate them, too. But they're not living in this house now, and I really want to honor them by doing this.

Karen Wylie:

Right. And honoring them at home in such a variety of ways—which we’ll continue to talk about—allows people to grieve differently and longer than a euthanasia at home, perhaps with a mobile vet who also will then take the body with them when they leave.

And although the opportunity to choose a home euthanasia is a wonderful option for people who want it, for situations where that's the right thing to do, everything is kind of condensed together. Where the vet arrives, there’s the euthanasia itself, and although the vets are allowing some time for the pet parents to grieve about the reality that their pet—who was alive 10 minutes ago—is now gone, they generally are going to leave within 20 to 30 minutes after the euthanasia, and they’ll be taking the body with them.

And so I always think of, when I think of euthanasia—whether at home or certainly at the clinic—there are so many reasons why a euthanasia is chosen and is a good and helpful thing to have. And cremation, for people who live in apartments, for example, and don’t have a yard to bury their pet, or a cemetery could be very far away, cremation is sometimes the only option available for people. But the time is compressed. You don’t have the same amount of time to grieve and spend time just being with your pet’s body, with the house that they lived in.

And that's where taking the time to understand the options you do have—if you want to have a wake for your pet at home, just like people used to do with their loved ones at home. Now, of course, we outsource it to the funeral homes. But you can still—your loved one could stay at home for various periods of time.

We won’t go down the human road too long and talk about the cultural issues. But for our pets, let’s talk a little bit about how much time we have with our pet’s body. Because I think that’s almost the number one question that people have. First: are they allowed to keep their pet at home? And then—I know we've talked to clients who say that when they called a crematorium to ask, “How long can I keep my pet at home?”—they say, “Well, just a few hours. You’ve got to get them here right away.” And that is not actually true.

So can you walk us through the timeframes and options that most pet parents have, if they want to consider them?

Gail Pope:

Right. I don’t know that there is a time frame. I think that it’s up to us. It’s up to setting our own honoring schedule, if you like, as to—well, I guess you could look at that differently. Let me go back to… okay, when an animal’s died—whether they’re at home, whether they’re in the hospital, whether the veterinarian is at your home—I think the first thing that I found is that people don’t understand sometimes that if they want to keep the animal to honor them for a few days, or however long, or even a few hours, that that’s okay.

They can say to the vet, “Thank you so much.” These days, at-home veterinarians do such a wonderful job. They bring ceremony and honoring into the process. But people don’t understand at that point—they can accept that—and say, “Well, and now I’m going to keep him for a day or two days. I’ll let you know when I would like to bring him in, or when he gets collected.”

Because it becomes—then you’re up against a deadline, and that doesn’t feel good. And so I think being comfortable with the dead body is probably the first part. And then just thinking about what feels right or appropriate to you.

I mean, years ago, if someone had had this conversation with me, I would have been saying, “Oh, is it that time? I think I need to go now,” because it wasn’t in my nature to understand the fact that I might want to honor someone after they died. You know, to me, you might do that in the church at the ceremony if they had an open casket—and I wouldn’t have even wanted to look at that.

But times have changed. And very often, people who are spiritually inclined or religiously inclined, they actually lose that fear that we were talking about.

Karen Wylie:

I see Callie’s very much with us today, isn’t she? Our executive producer. I don’t know why she thinks that’s a really good view or whatever. I’m questioning her editing ability.

Gail Pope:

Yes, me too. And in fact, I’ve totally lost the point. What was I supposed to be talking about? She threw me there.

Karen Wylie:

We were talking about being in control of time and not feeling like you’re up against this deadline, as so many people do when they’ve had the home euthanasia done and a veterinarian is trying to give them some immediate grieving time.

Gail Pope:

Yes. I think once you understand that it’s not an illegal thing to have a dead body at home—which is kind of the bottom line there, because I think that’s what most people are a little bit, “Oh my goodness, what are the rules? What am I allowed to do?” It’s up to you what you’re allowed to do.

Then the next thing that creeps into the mind is: what’s going to happen to the body? I mean, the big one, obviously, is, “Is it going to smell?” And what about rigor mortis? What exactly is that? And what’s involved? I mean, they’re big topics. They’re important topics.

Because, as Mother Nature—who is, to me, always the other doctor in the room—Mother Nature is still following her process of dying when biological death steps in. And so organs are still closing down, and there are still processes, chemical processes, going on in the body. And at some point there may be smell.

Karen Wylie:

For the most part…

Gail Pope:

A dead body doesn’t start smelling until those processes are at that appropriate time. And it’s different for everybody. Most animals that I’ve cared for actually don’t smell for a few days. Some have smelt, actually, during their dying process.

Karen Wylie:

Right, right.

Gail Pope:

And that was scary when that first happened. It’s like, “Oh my God, this is terrible! What’s going on?” But it’s just a part of the natural process. It happens as and when it does. And it is part of the normal process of dying.

So I think those questions come next: What to expect? Right? If you expect these things, then you’re prepared. And, you know, I mean, the focus is honoring. How do I want to honor this beautiful body? What do I want to do?

For most old-fashioned cultures—and it still remains—we wash, we groom, we make the body look beautiful. And we also remember that rigor mortis will set in. Sometimes it sets in sooner and sometimes later. Sometimes it lasts a very short period of time, and sometimes it lasts a longer period of time.

But when rigor mortis sets in—as you know, you and I know—a lot of people don’t, though… If, say, for instance, it’s very normal for an animal or a human to stretch out as they’re dying. And then as the body relaxes, there may be one arm that sticks out over here, or, you know, however the posture is. Which is okay. It’s normal. And the body is limp.

However, as you’re honoring and preparing that body—putting them into lying on the side that they favored best, lining them as you would want to remember them—is important to do. Because when rigor mortis sets in, the body will be firm. And you won’t be able to move a paw that’s in the wrong place, or a head that’s tilted a little bit. So making them look to you comfortable is important. And rigor mortis, again, it can last anything from a few hours to a few days. And it can also set in again before death actually is final.

Karen Wylie:

Yes, and of course that’s the unpredictability of a natural transition—observing that process and understanding that in a natural transition, every cell in the body doesn’t die at the same time. The organs are fading away in terms of their ability to function.

 

Gail Pope: in general, whether the being was young and strong or old, and gradually dying. The average in the middle was around the 3 day period.

Karen Wylie:

And the areas furthest away from the heart that receive the least circulation—therefore the least oxygen—are going to be the areas that are going to be dying sooner than others. And so it can be a process that takes a long period of time. And just like you're saying, that could lead to earlier rigor.

But, generally speaking, I think if we say to reposition the body within an hour or two…

Gail Pope:

Yes.

Karen Wylie:

Is that—I was thinking that.

Gail Pope:

Yes, fairly so. I mean, I generally do it as soon as it is in my mind, because, you know, we just don't know how soon it will set in or not. And again, I think it's—for me, it's my loved one. I want to cuddle them. I want to, you know, I want to see them looking comfortable. So if they don't look comfortable, I want to do it anyway. I'm not thinking about rigor mortis setting in. I'm just thinking about making them look comfortable. And it's part of, again, it's honoring the house that my loved one lived in. And also remembering that because death has come, doesn't mean they've gone.

Karen Wylie:

Right.

Gail Pope:

We think of the word transition. And sometimes I think when an animal has been dying for a long time—particularly if they're very, very old—I don't feel their presence. It's as though the death has occurred, and I don't feel anything. And yet with others, the death occurs, and I can feel them. They're still here. You know, we feel their presence. You know, human people talk about images that they're seeing as they're dying. And, you know, there are so many of the spooky-type things that can occur that it can be a comforting time. Because although you have the body—the house—that is empty now, you feel the presence. So they're still there. So you can smile and feel grateful for that.

Karen Wylie:

Yes, absolutely.

Gail Pope:

And that leads to honoring. And you want to honor the house with them. You know, I don't know where you are, but I sense you're here. Look—we’re grooming, we're cleaning. You're looking so beautiful. Aren’t you proud of this house?

Karen Wylie:

That’s right.

Karen Wylie:

Talk to them, too. I do. I feel their presence—especially, as you're saying, with the younger ones. They often, I think, had hoped to be with us longer. And perhaps that’s part of why they stay longer. And very often, the older ones do leave sooner. That’s been my experience as well. I don’t know that you and I have talked about this—we talk so much about all these issues—but I’m not sure we’ve talked specifically about this before.

But if you think about so many of the stories you hear within families—or now you can see on social media—where an older individual, a human individual, is in the dying process, but they might be a few days away. But you’ll see them with their hands outstretched because they’re having a conversation with a loved one who has passed over. Has crossed over. And I always think of their ability—where it's like they have one foot in and one foot out. It's like they're in both dimensions. And that’s what allows them to begin to see and to hear and experience things that the typical healthy person going about day-to-day life with a job is not as much into sensing. The energy field that someone who is in the dying process and focused on that is going to be able to sense.

And I do feel our animals have that same ability. So the older ones who are declining in the slower way, I think, do come to a point where they're ready to leave. And yes, I still can feel their energy, but it's not as much as the younger ones.

How about describing a little bit of the three-day honoring process that you usually proceed with at BrightHaven? Because I remember you mentioning that—from your reading—the energy of the body is still very much there in those three days.

Gail Pope:

Well—oh, my goodness! Well, I think we can talk in detail about this on another podcast. Basically, I feel totally comfortable—after learning all sorts from different people. A dear friend brought the idea to me of honoring the body for a period of time—possibly three days—because it has been scientifically proven that energy stays with the body anywhere from the point of death all the way to weeks—a couple of weeks even. But in general, whether the being was young and strong or old and gradually dying, the average in the middle was around the three-day period.

And so I started researching and reading a little bit more. And after I had done, that’s where the three-day process came. And so for me—we call it the three-day process—but with some, it's generally at least three days. But sometimes only one or two days, because we know she’s not here. She's gone. And this is—you know, it's about us and when we're comfortable. And so that will dictate how we do it.

But for most, it's three days. And sometimes we will keep a body even longer because it just—it just feels the right thing to do. When the time comes, then we, you know, we wrap them up.

I think for me, one of the traditions that I actually have come to cherish is—after I’ve taken them, taken their body, and wrapped it up beautifully and everything—then I take my altar that has been decorated for each one. There's different ornaments, different toys, teddies, hair, crystals—you know, whatever has seemed important to honor this being. And then it's taking those back. Because they sit all around my house in various places—most on the altar—but other ornaments that may be precious and just remind me of them. And so just actually putting everything back where it was gives me pleasure, too.

I mean, I walk around my house, and I can sit here in the office, and I can see things that remind me of at least a hundred different animals. So that always brings joy.

Karen Wylie:

One thing we haven’t specifically discussed is ice—and especially in the three-day… if someone was pursuing the three-day honoring system, or a day or two. Certainly depending on where they lived, and whether their environment is hot or cold makes a difference. So can you speak to that—how you would encourage people to approach this?

Gail Pope:

For the most part, we would create… we would choose a basket, or whatever we were going to honor the body in, and the bedding that we wanted to use. And then we would buy literally bags of ice—well, we used to keep them in the freezer for if and when we might need them—and we’d put them in the bottom of the basket, maybe one or two depending on the size of the animal, sometimes more. And make sure that we could make the bed on top of them—but not a very thick bed—so that the… it’s more about not freezing the body, but keeping it cool.

Because if the weather is warm, again it’s that human fear of, “Oh God! Is it going to smell?” Well, it shouldn’t. No. So we then have a thin layer of bedding, then we lay the animal on top. And then we decorate around, depending on, you know, where we are in the room, or even outdoors. And we check the ice. Generally, I would change the ice… it varies again. If we’re outdoors, the ice may not need changing for a couple of days. If it’s indoors, and the house is a little warmer than it should be, you may need to change it more often.

But it’s not… nothing’s going to happen. People are worried—“The ice is melting! What am I going to do?” Well, it’s okay. You know, there isn’t a death about to happen. It’s okay. There’s nothing bad. It’s just—I think it’s perhaps more about, “Is it going to smell?”

Karen Wylie:

Right.

Gail Pope:

And if it does, that’s a natural process. That’s a natural process anyway. And you can—you know—you can spray essential oils. You can use all sorts of different things if you feel the need.

Karen Wylie:

Right. But I think your point is that if people are going to have their pet with them for a—let’s say—a day or more, they need to look at their climate. How warm or cool they keep their home. And be aware that a couple packs of ice underneath can prevent any of their fears of odor or something else happening.

So I think those are all great suggestions. As so many things, I know this is one we can talk about for a really long time. But one thing I wanted to bring up is how, when I choose to do this process—and I’m generally not able to do the three days, but I aim for at least a day—but having your pet die at home allows the other pets in the family to cope better.

Gail Pope:

Yes.

Karen Wylie:

Because they can interact with the body after the pet has died, and they can confirm for themselves that their friend, their loved one, is no longer in that body. But it doesn’t typically happen where they just walk up one time and sniff the body and say, “Oh yes, they’re gone.” That doesn’t—at least that doesn’t happen at my house.

As I’ve told you, I think my Aussies in particular—because they’re used to being bossy, and they use their heads and noses a lot, as they would if they were herding sheep—well, with a beloved member of the family, they will go over and use their noses to try to nudge them and get them to move. It’s a very, very active process for several hours.

So I do have to watch for that, but I also allow for that, because they then understand what has happened. And they may need a few hours to deal with it. And others will know right away. But I’ve found a lot of them just need a few hours themselves to be with the pet’s body in various ways, and then they are able to grieve more effectively.

Gail Pope:

I think it’s important, too. You know, when we set up our honoring, it’s generally on a table or altar or something, but I always start off at floor level so that the other animals have an easy way of just stopping by to say hi, if they want to. Some do and some don’t. Some aren’t interested in the body. And yet I know they were very close, perhaps, to that animal in life. And I can sense that they know—this is the house, but she’s not there.

I mean, sometimes they’ll sit and just be—almost meditating. And it’s not about the body, because I think they’ve already moved on with the one that’s gone. So I do see that if the animal had a particular bed that was their favorite place, the other animals tend to honor it and not use that bed.

So generally I would leave it down for a while so that they could walk around it. But then maybe launder it and put it in a different part of the house, and then they would all go to it. That was okay.

Karen Wylie:

Yes. They’re so aware of each other’s belongings or accessories or favorite things.

Gail Pope:

As part of honoring, really. It goes to that word again. I think it really is. It’s honoring in their way—not necessarily our way.

Karen Wylie:

Right, absolutely. Which is—that balance we’re all trying to find at the end of life. Because some of what we do is for us, and much, much of what we do is for them.

Gail Pope:

And that also begs something we’ve talked about a lot before, which is that—for the most part, I’ve seen in the last 30, 40 years—that animals grieve with the pet before the death. And so afterward, they can enter into the honoring period and not mourn.

Some do. You do see some who literally are head down and in sorrow afterward—especially if it’s been a fast death. But they have this level of acceptance because they have grieved. That’s what I was taught by animals.

We talked about that, I think, in one of our most recent podcasts—how that happened. And as I look back, I think I was very, very honored to have learned that process, because it does allow me to celebrate and honor the life with the being after their death. I could never have done that in the past. Wow.

Karen Wylie:

Right? Yes. And with every member of the family—furry or four-legged or two-legged.  Sometimes when we’re talking about these concepts, I laugh. And it’s not a nervous laugh. It’s just that there are aspects of the dying process, or the after-death process, that I have really wonderful memories of. And so I can smile, and I can laugh about it. And I don’t feel like I’m being disrespectful to anybody.

But I guess it’s possible that somebody else may be like, “How can she laugh about that? How can she smile about that?” And yet, especially if you do follow some of the ways that you and I try to do with our pets during their transition—as their physical body dies and afterward—I have great peace about that. So I have great memories when I’m able to handle things the way I want to handle them, and give my babies the respect I think they deserve, and share the time with my other pets so that everybody’s getting comfortable with the new reality that we’re going to be minus a member of the family.

I mean, I think that feels good to me. And so when I reflect on those situations, I do smile a lot about it, because I feel good about how we handled it. And I don’t know that other people would have that same feeling, but I think you do when you reflect on your situation.

Gail Pope:

Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Karen Wylie:

Well, I think, given our time frame here, we’ll end our discussion here—with never, never a shortage of stories to tell and things to consider in making decisions about our pets.

We did talk earlier about the Peaceful Checklist—to become more aware of the things that a pet does, and a pet’s body does, in the dying process. And so that PDF is available on the brightpathforpets.com website, and we’ll include a link to it underneath the description to this episode..

I hope that even though this topic is not an easy one to consider and think about, that those of you who've been with us now, and listening to some of these comments, and want to allow a peaceful death for your pet at home, that you’ve received a little bit of guidance and perhaps some reassurance about the time available to you, and what you can do and what you can begin to think about.

So I guess the bottom line is, each of us are very capable of managing this process for ourselves and our pets. You love them. You are not alone. And when the time comes—whether it’s now or someday in the future—I hope you’ll remember some of the things we talked about today. You have everything you need inside of you to handle these kinds of situations.

And I hope that if you do provide time with your pet at home after he or she has died, that it gives you a sense of peace. I know that following these kinds of processes helps me, and as Gail is saying, it’s helped her a lot in coming to terms with our losses.

So until next time, I’m Karen Wylie with Gail Pope, and as always, we thank you for being with us.

Thank you. Now, bye-bye.

Gail Pope:

We certainly do. Thank you so much. Until next time.