Peace of Mind for Pet Parents Episode 035: What Happens After Your Pet Dies? Let’s Talk About Aftercare

Episode Transcript: 

Karen Wylie: Hello and welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents. I'm Karen Wylie here with my co-host and wonderful friend, Gail Pope, founder of BrightHaven. Today we're going to talk about something that many pet parents avoid thinking about until they're right in the middle of grief, and that's planning for aftercare options before your pet dies.

Now, before we go any further, let's define what we mean by "aftercare" because it's probably not a term that you've heard much, if at all. Unless you work in veterinary medicine or the funeral industry, those terms are used very frequently there. Aftercare simply means what happens after your pet dies.

Both Gail and I tend to think of this holistically. If you've been listening to our podcast for a while, we've talked a lot about a three day honoring process that we view as a sacred period after a pet has died. When we believe the soul— the animal soul —is still transitioning, still connected to the body in some way.

That concept comes from the Buddhist traditions as well as Native American traditions. In Buddhism, the teaching is called the Bardo, B-A-R-D-O. That describes how the soul leaves the body slowly over time and we can support that process in various ways.

I will make sure we link to other resources in the show notes because we have talked about what to do when a pet dies at home. We have a podcast episode on that as well as a blog post. Then as I just mentioned, we have the three-day honoring process which you can think of like a wake as we often do for humans. So we'll make sure those resources are linked below in the show notes.

Today we want to talk about what comes next when your pet has died— after you've had that sacred time with your pet's body, after you've completed whatever honoring process feels good to you. What decisions do you need to make about your pet's physical remains and how can you plan for those decisions ahead of time so you're not left to figure it all out in a crisis when the moment comes.

So aftercare includes questions like, "Do I choose cremation, burial, or another option?"

"What providers are available to me in my local area?"

"Which one do I want to use?"

"What do I need to know about costs?"

"How do I involve my family in talking about these decisions and these decisions?"

We're not going to cover memorialization and keepsakes today. That'll be another conversation in the future. So today, we're going to focus on the planning piece.

Now, Gail, you've supported hundreds of animals at the sanctuary and you've supported many families who you've consulted with about this process. What do you see happen when families have thought about these aftercare decisions versus when they have not?

Gail Pope: That's an interesting question and it doesn't come up very often. Most of the consultations I do are a one-time thing and so I don't have an ongoing relationship that takes me to that point. Other times people will actually consult because they want to find out more about the three day process perhaps and "What in the heck is it and why do you do it?"

So yes, it would come into those kinds of conversations and I would say it's hard to know but maybe half and half. Maybe 50% have already thought about after the death and what they would plan to do with the body. Actually, I think it may be more than 50%. I think most people already know whether they want to bury or cremate. Those options seem to be the two main things. Then there are those that are very focused on green burial or planting a tree and all of those kinds of things.

It is not something that is given a huge amount of attention, I think, yet. I think this is a good thing to talk about because it's hard if you think about it. Let's step into the human world. I always like to do that with every aspect of the end of life. Many people don't plan for what's going to happen after they die, or they rely on mom or dad to already have made those plans.

So I think it stretches to all corners of our lives because when you have an animal that is approaching end of life, has had a terminal diagnosis, or whatever, we do tend to live in that box. We don't open the door and start thinking about the whole journey. So I guess that's what we're talking about today, is to actually have that in place so it can be— I wouldn't call it seamless. Dying and death and grief is not a seamless thing. 

Once you've already considered your options and maybe done a little research and you've actually chosen a place or a company - there are so many choices these days. But yes, I think for some people perhaps sitting down and actually planning: notebook, paper, pen, Google, and they do it as something that has to be done. I think others, perhaps more like me, and perhaps people who've had more animals that have passed on in the past, tend to think about it in daily life. As thoughts that cross through your mind, it's "Yes, I think I would do that. Definitely, I really should think about contacting that company and finding out their charges."

So it can be baby steps too. What do you think?

Karen Wylie: I agree with you that those of us who've had more pets over the years, we've had to make these decisions more frequently. So we've probably become aware of our options a little bit more. Certainly for the animals that we have had in hospice care, in our homes, we have all that time with those pets, and we are aware that they're not going to be with us forever. We want them to be, but depending on what their diagnosis is and their rate of declining and so forth,  I think we begin to think about the possibilities. 

But so often they're looking at planning as a bad luck process. That somehow if you are thinking about a cremation or burial or aquamation or so many different options these days, that you're being pessimistic. You're giving up hope. Somehow, you're being morbid by thinking of it.

And yet, if you don't think of it ahead of time, you're going to have to think about it when your pet dies and then you're going to be grieving. In between sobbing and crying. You're going to be hitting Google up to try to locate what your local options are. Just like we encourage pet parents with pets in hospice care to research your ER’s ahead of time.

Whether you need an emergency room right now or not, find out where they are. Get their contact information. Know how far away from your home they are so that when or if you do need them, you've already done that research and you're prepared and you can take action.

So I think that's the same kind of approach I try to have people take, because planning is not a four letter word and planning doesn't make something happen. It doesn't cause anything bad to happen for you or your pet. But planning ahead does give you more options, especially if you do want to honor your pet's body at home for any period of time.

It allows you to plan ahead and have any supplies that you need. There's actually a lot of research that needs to be done these days. Now apparently cremation is chosen for about 90% of the patients that are euthanized at a vet clinic.

And part of that is that the clinic typically has a relationship with a local crematorium and can then also provide this aftercare function for you and your pet. 

If your pet dies at home, you may still want to have the services of a crematorium. But you might also want to bury your pet, whether that's something that you can do at home or perhaps in a pet cemetery, which is happening more and more frequently in so many areas.

So how do you think, Gail, planning ahead for aftercare supports the honoring process rather than interfering with it?

Gail Pope: You actually just took the words out of my mouth and turned them around to be a question. As you were talking, that's what was coming to me. 

Working through and knowing what you plan to do afterwards is part of honoring. It's honoring the being that you love. Again, whether it's yourself, or your animal, it really is honoring what their wishes would be. Obviously with our animals, they don't generally have the ability to tell us what they would like to happen to their body. So I think most of us will revert to what we plan for ourselves. So in some ways, as we start thinking, it's good for us to think about ourselves as part of that equation too.

But yes, it really to me ties up very closely to anticipatory grief, because when you first have that thought, that flies into your mind, "Oh gosh I wonder when he's going to die?"

Once that happens, then everything starts to change in your life, and these little thoughts do filter in and out of your brain. So having those at this stage when you are anticipating the future, while it's part and parcel of the love and the loving celebration, all the things that you plan and that you honor in that being - to me it's part of a package. It doesn't have to be done here and now, but it's just something to think about - a stream coming through your brain. "What am I going to do?"

"The three day process? Does that feel right to me?" "No, that doesn't fit. 

Oh, there's a pet cemetery in town. I wonder if I should drive by there one day and just see what it's like."

So it allows you to just take baby steps towards the decision.

Karen Wylie: Yes, because every time you think of a possibility, you often find yourself rejecting it as, "No, that doesn't feel right." Just like you said, or, "Huh, maybe?"

It's not where you have to dwell on it, but at least beginning to acknowledge the different options gives you a bit of a start. 

In one of our recent podcasts, I shared an example of someone we both know whose pet had cancer and was being treated extensively for six months. Even the day before the pet needed to be euthanized because of a crisis, they had been told that the pet had beaten the cancer and everything was fine.

Then overnight the pet crashed and they euthanized the next day. That was the couple who were told about a wonderful communal cremation process. That really did sound lovely. In their grief, they had a euthanasia at home and so they were relinquishing the body to the veterinarian to take. So the vet was saying, "This is what we could do."

And they said, "Okay, yes, sure. That sounds fine."

They didn't find out till many days later that they weren't going to get the ashes back.

Gail Pope: That's right. That's a big one.

Karen Wylie: That's a big one because there's a very big difference between what is a communal cremation, which means other pets are cremated at the same time as yours is and you will not be getting the ashes back. 

If you want the ashes back, it needs to be a private cremation. 

So if you don't know about that and especially when you're seeing the cost difference, because communal cremation is much less expensive than private cremation. Sometimes if it hasn't been researched and thought about ahead of time, people can make a decision that really is wrong for them because later on they're going to regret it. That is going to affect their ability to recover from their grief.

Because they're always going to be revisiting and feeling like they didn't do right by their pet that they don't have ashes back. That they could put in so many different forms of memorialization from a stained glass office paperweight for your desk, or jewelry is another place where they're able to put your animal’s ashes. 

All these various ways to keep your pet with you in whatever way you would like to. But if you are not thinking ahead to what happens to your pet's physical remains after they no longer need that body, you will be ending up with decisions you made that may not really fit you or your family.

Gail Pope: Yes. That's a very good point. Very good point.

Karen Wylie: For anyone who might be feeling like it's a superstitious fear. They don't want to consider any of it. "If I plan for it, am I somehow making it happen or am I making it happen sooner?"

What would you say to those folks, Gail? 

Because I know for a lot of people, especially when we've just learned about a pet having a difficult or terminal diagnosis, we really don't want to even think about them being gone. So we're going to be putting these aftercare ideas off to the side. We don't want to consider them at all.

Gail Pope: I think my first answer here has to be, "I don't know." The reason that I'm saying that is because a huge number of people don't want to face the word death itself. They don't want to think about their deaths. They don't want to think about their family, whether they have two or four feet. They don't want to think about death. So the kind of planning we're talking about here is way down the line because they don't even want to think about the actual time before death and how they can approach that.

Obviously for me, I would weave it all very gradually into a continuum of caring for, loving, making plans for— it's all important. It's all important done before death rather than in a panic or after death. 

So if you're the kind of person that is open to talking about the future with your vet, with another practitioner, with anybody— a friend or family, then I think it's something that can be woven into the conversation. Again, coming under the subject of death and dying, we have the fact that they're not commonplace things for us all to talk about.

That's what, I guess, we are trying to change. We want to talk about living while in every single stage of life— living while dying. If you have a terminal diagnosis for your animal and you're concentrating on the end of their life, you are not enjoying the moment, you're not enjoying life with them. Once you do, it makes a huge difference.

Karen Wylie: I think it does too. That's where we started out earlier saying that each of us have had a lot of animals through the years. So this is something we've thought about. I have a lovely front garden where most of my pets have been buried. So I always know what I'm going to be doing. It's not where it changes with each and every pet. I've got a plan.

Gail Pope: Yes.

Karen Wylie: I know where they're going to be and I've chosen that because it's right off of our front deck, our front porch. So especially during the six or eight months where the weather is just lovely here in the Blue Ridge. I feel them closer to me. So the choice I make of how to handle their body, their physical remains, is very much tied to my memories of them and my processing of grief and the sadness too because they're right there with me.

So that's a choice I've made. Now, of course, I do live in a very rural part of Appalachia in the mountains where there are no restrictions exactly about burying your pet. That's not true for a whole lot of places in the United States and other countries as well. 

If someone wants to bury their pet that is something they need to check the local ordinances and regulations for. Especially in urban areas, in town home communities, neighborhoods— you have to be very watchful of where your water sources are to make sure that your animal is not being placed where water could be contaminated over time.

You can choose to have your pet euthanized. We always talk so much about natural transition and working toward that as a goal, but we recognize that there are times that euthanasia is the best option for a family or a particular pet. 

Just because the pet is euthanized at the clinic or euthanized at home doesn't mean that the pet then has to be cremated. The pet can also be buried but it's important to remember that the euthanasia solution that allows your pet to leave this world is something you want to prevent other animals from having access to.

I remember reading about a case about this a long time ago, maybe 10 years ago, where there'd been some flooding in an area. I think it was in West Virginia and a couple horses that had been euthanized several years prior, their bodies, what was left of their bodies, became visible and the dogs then had access to the remains of the horses. The horses had been euthanized, so the dogs were then ingesting the euthanasia solutions and the dogs were dying. 

So that's something to remember for home burial. There are now vinyl bags in different sizes that your pet’s remains can be put into.

You're also supposed to bury them three feet down, at least three feet is generally recommended in most of the local ordinances that I've seen. 

Having your pet's body enclosed in something that no other animal can access, is a way of taking care of the other animals, the wildlife in the area, and other pets. It's not something to think about when you start talking about this, my immediate thought was, "Oh boy, people aren't going to like me talking about this."

But it's important so that it is something for you to think about in terms of protecting wildlife, protecting other animals in the neighborhood, and protecting your own animals. So that is something to mention that if your pet has been euthanized, you can still bury them but there are additional precautions you need to take.

Gail Pope: Yes, I think your mention of the three foot depth is really important. I remember one instance that I heard about, where a dog died very naturally at home. They buried him in the back garden and a few days later another dog dug him up and that was heartbreaking. That was really an awful experience for these people. They hadn't dug deeply enough. So that three feet is very valid and very important to do.

Karen Wylie: Not just for preventing an emotional crisis of having your pets' remains dug up but also for all the other reasons we've been talking about in terms of safety for other pets and water supply and so forth. So there are things to think about that most of us don't think about.

Gail Pope: I think the consideration for a pet cemetery is very valid. You hardly used to hear about them at all, but now they are becoming much more common. We have one not far from where I live and I guess it's like any cemetery. It's a lovely, beautiful place. It's a perfect place to go and just sit and “be”. There are cemeteries, human ones, where they will bury pets as well. So that's something that is very nice if you are thinking of burial as the way you want to go.

Karen Wylie: And there's some human cemeteries that are now allowing your pet's remains to be buried with you,  not in all states and not all cemeteries and so forth, but as more locales and states acknowledge the incredible bonds we have with our pets that does seem to be something that is being allowed in a lot of different areas.

So Gail, let's think about what would help people tap into their own values to decide what's right for them in this? Because when we were starting, we were saying that when people start just even thinking about cremation, it's either "I could do that," or, "Oh, no I can't."

Or same with burial "Oh, I can't do that. I don't even want to think about it."

Or "I can't do it. I rent an apartment. Where would I even be able to do it?"

So thinking ahead does allow you to begin sorting out what's possible for you. But then there's still additional decisions to be made that are part of your value system and what's important to you and your family.

Gail Pope: Yes, I think once you look at the main options— maybe for most of us it's an instant choice. "This is what I would want, this is what I want for my dog or my cat."

So it really is getting down to looking at the details. I think once you know what you want to do, then the details become far less of a problem because you're not focusing on "Should I do this? Once you have a focus on one thing, then the details are "How would I accomplish that? Who would I call? Will Google help me?"  And the answer to that is probably yes. There's very little these days for which Google won't send you in the right direction. 

It's a difficult subject. For those of us who have had lots of pets, it becomes a routine. It becomes something that you don't question. But for others it really is something to learn about. Again, at the bottom of everything we talk about -  is education. The more we understand about what's coming up in the future, the more we can be prepared for it. Rather than panic at the last minute, "Oh my goodness, who do I call? What shall I do?"

And that's never good for anybody.

Karen Wylie: It never is. There's a big difference between Googling “pet crematorium near me,” and doing that ahead of time, compared to doing it when your pet has died and you're in a crisis and you're trying to figure out what your options are. Because what do you do if it's a weekend?

Not all crematoriums are ready to accept your pet's remains on a weekend. So knowing what hours different crematoriums are working is the kind of thing that would make your life easier when you need that information.

Gail Pope: Then there's another little thing that I just thought about too. As you said earlier, I would imagine all veterinary hospitals have a relationship with a local crematorium and they become the middleman.

However, there are a lot of people that I've come across in my work that actually prefer to deal with the crematorium directly. They take their animal home from the vet, or they're already home when they die and they make an appointment, and they go to the crematorium with their pet and wouldn't do it any other way. 

A lot of crematoriums offer honorings, little celebrations at their offices which can be very lovely too. So yes, there are lots of options once you know your main way.

Karen Wylie: Interesting what you said about the drive because years ago before I knew we were going to be staying in this physical area, I was cremating our pets. I began to look at the drive to the crematorium that my husband and I were making as the same kind of ritual that is like driving to a cemetery after a funeral service for a human. Then you're driving to bring the body to the cemetery and have that same feeling of being a sacred ritual and that we were bringing the body. 

That very much fit for us. For others that's not something they want to do. Certainly a veterinary clinic can be the middleman, so to speak and accept your pet's remains and make arrangements. There's also a whole lot of crematoriums that will come and pick up your pet's body from your home.

So that's something to consider. Once again, you're not going to know what your options are or what the costs involved are, unless you're researching ahead of time. This will also be something you want to talk to other members of your family about because just when you figured out what you want to do, doesn't necessarily mean that your spouse feels exactly the same way or the children and so forth. 

There is tremendous emotional relief by being prepared ahead of time. So I do want to mention that we will be creating a booklet to address these kinds of planning issues for you. So do look for that in the coming weeks and when we have it available, we'll come back to this podcast episode and put the link right there.

You can always come to BrightPathForPets.com and look in our resources area and our shop and the booklet will be available for you there. As we bring this conversation to a close, Ms. Pope, what would you like to say? Any final words for someone listening and feeling that pull to, "Yes, I probably do need to prepare," but they don't know where to start.

Gail Pope: It's hard to sum it all up, but again, I try not to keep saying the same things over and over again. But to me it's all about love. Love and honoring is what we are all striving to do for our loved ones at the end of life or at any stage of life. It's all part of this great transition that we are all living in. I think that's it. It's baby steps. You don't have to make decisions today. You don't have to do a booking. It's just about starting to gather information and allowing it to settle.

Then once you have a plan, you can make a phone call, you can jot down what it will cost. You can start to look at all the other things that you're going to be looking at too, at this time of life. It's all in these little pieces, right?

Karen Wylie: The baby steps— just thinking about one thing at a time. Just taking, doing, answering one question at a time for yourself. So the gathering of information doesn't have to be a whole afternoon or an evening. It can be whenever you're ready - as much as you're ready. Because as you're saying, Gail, it's really all about love.

Gail Pope: It is! It's all about love.

Karen Wylie: All right. As always, we thank you for being with us for this episode of Peace of Mind for Pet Parents. If you'd like any support in making these decisions or gathering information, do reach out to us at BrightHaven Caregiver Academy at BrightPathForPets.com.

We're always happy to be of support to you. 

Until the next time. Take good care of yourself and your beloved companions, and have a wonderful week. Bye-bye now.

Gail Pope: Goodbye now. Thank you.