Peace of Mind for Pet Parents Episode 045: New Year, Same Love: Why Your Love Is Enough When Caring for an Aging or Ill Pet

Episode Transcript: 

Karen Wylie: Hello and welcome to Peace of Mind for Pet Parents. I'm Karen Wylie here with Gail Pope, our fearless leader, founder of BrightHaven. We want to say Happy New Year. We're recording this at the very end of December. But you'll be hearing it very close to January 2nd, if not on January 2nd. 

We're guessing that by now you've probably been exposed to just a few messages about fresh starts and new goals and New Year's resolutions: lose weight, get organized, be more productive, change your life.

If you're caring for an aging or ill pet, you might honestly be feeling like those messages aren't for you or worse that you're somehow failing because you're not starting the year with all that new energy and optimism. 

So today we wanted to talk about something a little different. We want to talk about releasing that pressure to fix or change. 

We want to talk about giving yourself permission to continue exactly as you are. 

We also want to remind you that the love that you're already giving is enough. Because here's the truth: when you're in hospice or palliative care with your pet, the goal is not to fix them. It isn't to make them better or go back to how they were.

The goal is to love them exactly as they are right now and to help them be as comfortable and connected for as long as possible. 

Gail, before we dive in, what's your reaction when you hear all the New Year's resolution messaging that goes on, especially in the context of the work we do?

Gail Pope: It's interesting listening to that little overview. I started off with one mindset and it gradually morphed and changed a little bit. I think age could be a big part of this because when I was a lot younger, it was fun to think about what have I done? So what do I want to do this coming year? Then I think as I gradually got older, it became a little more of a serious thought, especially for our work in business— when it shifted to a deeper perspective.

However, I think once animals enter our lives and become a passion, then I guess for some, thinking about what the new year will bring is exciting. You plan to live it as you already are, which is day by day and as happy and healthy as possible. You're not focusing on the future and what dreaded things might come - or the exciting things too.

But if you have a senior animal or you're a senior yourself, maybe we just don't want to look too far in the future. I don't think I do. I'm much more into being present now and loving the beings around me. We're all fragile beings. None of us have a tomorrow necessarily.

Karen Wylie: Especially in the work we do, whether it's caring for aging or ill pets or providing educational materials about them. We know that everything can change— very quickly. So there's always a sense of "How much of this can I control?"

When you can't control everything about what's happening with an animal - or a program you're selling or a booklet you're writing - or whatever is related to your work, I think you start not being so focused on the outcome, on the goal,  and begin looking at your process. At least I think both of us certainly do that. 

Now one of the things I think in looking at New Year's goals, resolution energy, is that for us, for any pet parent and really for veterinary professionals as well, we have to let go of the idea that we're supposed to fix everything.

Because we can't, and our culture is so focused on solutions, cures, and making everything better. But hospice care is not about curing and fixing. It's about something else entirely. 

So could you talk about the difference between trying to fix an animal and trying to support them through their natural process? How do you help pet parents understand that shift?

Gail Pope: Well, words like letting go, living in the moment, allowing yourself to be led by the animal. Thinking about if you were in the same situation, what would you want? Sometimes that has to do with age, sometimes that has to do with illness. But if you can look at your own being as in that kind of situation, what would you want? It is a very personal question because we probably all would want something different.

We may fit on this side or that side of the invisible fence, but it becomes personal. From there it steps into your relationship with your animal. You may have a deeply loving and spiritual relationship with maybe your cat or your dog. However, if you honor and respect them, it may well be that what their desires are may be a little different to yours. Maybe not. But I think when you love another being enough, you have it in you to step out of you and really focus on what they would want and how happy a certain thing makes them.

It might not affect you that way, but if it affects them and their being and their joy and love. For us, it's about acceptance, going with the flow, doing your best with baby steps— that may be bringing in medicine of some kind, it may be a treatment of some kind. If they show you very clearly, "I don't like this, I don't want to do it." Then okay, and I've said let's take another approach.

Some animals don't mind and they want to be helped. Hard to say, but I don't know that animals particularly aim to be fixed, which very often is our focus: "We are going to make this better." But I think, yes, I think the word is ‘better’. They would be happy to feel better if they're not feeling good. In that respect, it perhaps is our duty to see if we can help them feel better in whatever way is going to work.

Karen Wylie: I think most of us do try that and want to do that. I think what you're describing is of course, the healing versus curing and we talked about this back on Episode 28 (https://brightpathforpets.com/blog/peace-of-mind-for-pet-parents-episode-028-healing-for-the-highest-good/), I believe, which is our episode on healing for the highest good.

Because curing is about eliminating disease or restoring any lost function, or some area that's not doing quite so well. When we talk about healing, of course, we're looking more at wholeness— supporting the body, the mind, the spirit to be at peace even in the midst of decline. 

So have you seen pet parents experience relief when they let go of this need to fix?

Gail Pope: Oh, yes. I think when you reach a point of realizing that you are— I don't think most of us approach the care of our animals by believing that we are going to fix them. We are approaching our care with love. We are not thinking of it as fixing but then there's this drive that comes up inside.

It almost goes into overdrive in your system, and you become more and more focused on the symptoms and what to do to alleviate them. How to fix what's going on, whether it be something very minor or something very major. Does that make sense?

Karen Wylie: It does and it can be really hard though because when you're staying in the moment and focusing on what you're seeing. In one way you are staying in the moment and yet you can get in that little struggle of trying to relieve the symptoms. To reduce the symptoms, to make the symptoms go away because maybe it's on that road to curing and maybe making things better.

Gail Pope: That's true. I guess if you look on one side of the fence, yes that makes sense. If you look on the other side of the fence, then you are looking at the symptoms that you see as clues to what the deeper out of balance situation is which is where I would go to find an energetic balance perhaps to bring about balance. Whereas, towards the end of life, sometimes, regardless of what you believe, it is better to actually ease that symptom. There's a deeper X, Y, Z, but maybe that's out of reach. So we have to help the being feel as good as they can be. I think aging and end-of-life is a little muddled, isn't it?

Karen Wylie: It can be. There's so many different ways to look at it exactly as you're saying, because there is a difference between healing and curing. It just seems, as I was thinking about these end of the year conversations and starting up in 2026, it is feeling like it is relevant for us to think these things through again. 

Because in our resolution-obsessed culture that we live in, we're pretty well trained to think about fixing problems and setting goals. But when your pet has a chronic illness, a difficult to manage illness, or certainly a terminal one, framing everything that way has to shift. So what does healing look like for an animal who can't be cured?

Gail Pope: Number one, I don't believe in the word, "Can't." My grandmother taught me that many years ago. She used to say to me as a child, don't say can't, you mean won't. Of course there's application, but it does fit. When we diagnose an out of balance situation, we can't say yes or no. How do we as mere humans know that something cannot be cured?

We don't know. 

All we can do, as far as I'm concerned, is focus on finding the best balance for everyday life for the being. Who cares what's fixed, who cares what's cured, who cares what's not. If the being is living a good life, its best life if possible, why does it even matter? That's why I love the work of Homeopathy because that has brought that mindset to me. 

It takes away a lot of my apprehension, my fear. It is never going to take away all my fear that I think we're approaching the end. That's never going to go. However, the trust that I've done my best and I've done it with love, and I've generally had ups and downs along the way, which we all expect as we age. 

I think one of the other most important things for us as we age is to honor the fact that we are aging. Honor the fact, therefore for the grace of God, we're both old. So let's care for each other because without realizing it, I think most of us don't quite understand the healing effect the love of our animal has for us. It makes such a difference because it brings us joy. Joy leads to healing. So they're helping heal us too at the same time.

Karen Wylie: Yes, and that love that they have for us is why we so desperately don't want them to leave us.

Gail Pope: Yes, it's a vicious circle all the way.

Karen Wylie: Because the balance and equilibrium that you're talking about for health. Also, there's a love equilibrium between when they feel good enough to enter into the relationship we've always had together, and that's what we start to worry about missing. That is just another element or another layer of the situation.

Gail Pope: Extending that conversation, which I probably shouldn't right now, but just for one quick sentence. Into my mind is the realization or the understanding, if you like, that I've had recently which is thinking about grief as love that has nowhere to go. It is just such a beautiful little poem and I think it really helps us. Grief is normal, love is normal, and they do sit together very clearly in everyday life— not only at the end of life. We grieve over all sorts of things in our lives.

Karen Wylie: That's maybe a new way for us to approach learning about and understanding our anticipatory grief that we feel throughout Palliative and Hospice care, which can go on for not just months, but years, depending on what's going on. We just have knowledge that sometimes makes us worry more than just love.

Gail Pope: Right, it's all about honoring the love— whatever's happening around you. Sometimes just pushing that to the side and honoring the love will bring you into a better situation to be able to cope with whatever's going on.

Karen Wylie: And then not to feel guilty just because you're looking ahead and start worrying about what life is going to be like without your pet. They're anticipating the loss. Then they start feeling guilty because they're already looking ahead to what life will be like without them. But as you're saying, that's just love. That's just becoming aware of how much you love that pet.

Gail Pope: If you think about the hundreds of animals that I've cared for and who have taught me about anticipatory grief, I feel I'm quite an expert on anticipatory grief. I lived it for years but what I didn't do is associate it with actual love. I didn't actually associate it as grief either.

It was just after the death when it appeared that I didn't have this awful black cloud of grief hanging over me that I realized that I'd been taught by the animals before they died, to take the journey with them. So after they died, it became about honoring our journey and honoring them as the being that I still love. So yes, I'm still grieving, but it's a love grief.

Karen Wylie: Because you were dealing with the little losses along the way in terms of "Oh, they're no longer jumping up to the highest level of the cat tree anymore."

Gail Pope: Oh, yes.

Karen Wylie: You notice all those little things and when it keeps happening, you're already grieving a little bit. I never used to think of that as anticipatory grief but IT IS. You're just grieving little losses along the way, but they also help you understand what you need to do and how to cope later.

Gail Pope: I was just thinking we have to, again, and I'm doing this all the time but we have to bring the caregiver into this equation as well. As the animal's declining and changing and we're watching them and having all these thoughts, we have to stop, come back, and apply this to us too. Because we are changing and growing and going up or down, whichever, however old we are. So we have all these things to face for ourselves as well and acknowledge. I think that looks very much like a long journey.

Karen Wylie: I think what you're just describing is one of the things we can help pet parents do to support them along the way, along this journey. While they're focused on their animal, they tend to not think about caring for themselves. In our Hub conversation with caregivers, or our weekly Cuppa, or one-on-one consults, that is reminding everyone to take care of themselves and actually talking about how that can be done in their home in their particular situation with their pet. I think it's something that we've been able to offer people over this last year that can really be helpful to them.

Gail Pope: It's one of the most important things. I can remember a time not that long ago when, if somebody said to me, "Goodbye, take care of yourself," it didn't really mean anything. 

It really went straight over my head because I'd never thought about, " What does that mean?" I just never really thought about it. 

Again, through animal lessons over the years, I started to learn that if I don't take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, if you like, then I'm not going to be able to be there for my animals in the way that I would wish. So I guess that's part of the lesson, but it has a deeper meaning than a flippant, "Goodbye, take care of yourself."

We go right past it. Maybe we need a different center so people stop and go, "Oh, that's so important. Thank you for that." Because it is meaningful, isn't it?

Karen Wylie: It is meaningful or can be meaningful when it's intended differently than the kind of, "Oh, take care of yourself. See you next time!" Then we accept it in that same offhanded way. 

We need to really understand that we're not going to be as helpful or supportive of our pet if we're not taking care of ourselves. We can't continue our relationships with the people we love and work relationships and every other aspect of our lives, if we aren't taking care of ourselves.

Certainly taking care of a pet who's sick or aging definitely takes a lot of energy because as you're saying, grief is love. So we're feeling all of that all along the way. Now let's see, I don't want to suggest that pet parents should not think about the new year or consider what they're hoping for.  But I think there's a distinction to be made between gentle intentions for yourself and your pet or your family, versus goals that you're setting.

What do you think? How do you think about intentions that someone could have for next week or next month or the next few months, versus goals, when it comes to caring for animals - especially at end-of-life?

Gail Pope: I'd have to think about this perhaps a little more, but to me the word "intention" is a gentle word. You can intend something but it's not as strong as a goal. The kind of things that fit in intentions would be to take time, to sit and do nothing, or to spend time in mother nature and just being out in the open, with or without your animal, or maybe with the birds and the bees.

Whatever it is, that is like a little down on your own personal scale: maybe - I need more fresh air or I need more exercise or I need to eat better. Intention to help rebalance yourself or your animal when it becomes a goal— it's almost like you can see this ball with the line and the ding at the top. You’ve got to do that to achieve that result and it becomes a lot more passionate, direct, and challenging and it doesn't feel so good.

Karen Wylie: No, because there's so much about caring for an aging or ill pet that we can't control. So setting goals just seems futile even thinking about them. But a gentle intention is more the direction you want to move in, something you want to do more of, the way you want to show up, as you're saying, in your life for yourself or things you want to do in your relationship with your pet. Maybe you want to trust your instincts more.

That's something we talk about a lot in terms of trusting your gut, trusting your intuitive sense that you have about your pet. That's always helped by keeping a good record of what's going on, using the "Living Quality of Life Care Assessment" (https://brightpathforpets.com/resources-html/#LivingQOL) that you could be filling out every week and that would help. 

You can give yourself permission to rest, like you're saying, which even alone would be a great self-care action you could take to celebrate small moments of connection that you're able to have with your pet. Certainly releasing any guilt that you may be feeling because you can't do everything perfectly… because that's just not going to be happening.

So intentions are just very different from goals. It's not about fixing or achieving or measuring your success. They're just about being and just a general direction. 

So Gail, what intentions have you set for yourself in past years with BrightHaven and the sanctuary? Did you ever set intentions back then when you were juggling so many babies?

Gail Pope: I don't know. Life just flowed on like a river, I think for us. I wish you hadn't asked me that question because I honestly don't think that other than maybe on a business level, where there may have been an intention generally to make more money for next year.

Karen Wylie: Yes, to support what you're doing. Keep it going.

Gail Pope: But as far as personal intentions related to my animals, it was just keeping on and doing the old baby steps— doing it with love and just literally following the path to see where it leads. What about you? What intentions do you have/had?

Karen Wylie: When it came to my animals and caring for them, I've had so many of the elderly goldens with all the typical aging issues of arthritis and hip dysplasia and then cardio and all of that stuff. Then I was very fortunate when I was breeding cats that I had so many of them that would make it to 15 to 20. I learned to be grateful for everything I had from the previous year. 

So it wasn't as much about setting the new goals but recognizing that they were still with me and what a wonderful thing that in and of itself was. That we made it another year. Maybe we're struggling with an illness, let's say it's kidney disease and we're always monitoring that and giving fluids and so forth. But we made it another year.

So I think I'm with you, I didn't set goals in that way and not even so much actual intentions about self care because like you, I wasn't thinking about trying to take care of me. It was always about taking care of them. But I did find that gratitude at the end of the year was a lot when I would be reflecting on the previous year and thinking about the coming year.

For me, it was more about the gratitude that they were still with me. Not that we would've conquered something or fixed anything but maybe that we had things that we had reached a stable point in various conditions. That they were still enjoying their life and I was loving having them with me. That's how I would start the new year with that sense of love.

I think that's maybe where we can take this conversation because you have said this so often throughout this past year as we've been doing these podcast conversations, that the love you feel for your animal is enough. Really no changes required. There's no new year's resolutions that have to be made. 

You're not going to love any differently.

Gail Pope: I think you summed it up for me, just a moment ago, with the word "gratitude" because that is a key factor in going forward. Yes, it's all about love but if you can't be grateful for the gifts that you have along the way, I think that's— oh, and by the way, that reminds me of the BrightHaven book: "Grateful". But there were so many years that taught us to be grateful. Grateful for today, grateful for the animal, grateful for the lessons. 

There are so many gratefuls that we can enjoy if we stop in the moment and just allow that kind of a conversation to filter through our brain— "It's a good day."

Karen Wylie: It is, it can always be a good day. That's probably the message we want to leave with our listeners today. That is that the love that you're giving your pet through every hard day of last year is the same love you're going to be carrying both of you through as you begin this new year.

It doesn't have to be improved upon or optimized or made more efficient or anything that we tend to associate with setting goals. You don't have to resolve to do better, be different, do more. So we're inviting you to release that pressure and simply continue loving your pet the way you already do.

And Gail, is there anything you would like to say before we close?

Gail Pope: You just put three little words straight into my head that sum it all up: it's all about love. It's all about love.

Karen Wylie: It is. It's all about love. You do your best, you do it with love. Thank you for being with us. Goodbye.

Gail Pope: Thank you and Happy New Year.