Q: Why does grief catch us off guard in the days after a pet dies, even when we were present at the death?

Neuroscientist Mary Frances O'Connor, author of The Grieving Brain , describes two simultaneous brain processes that occur after a significant loss. One part of the brain was present at the death and knows the pet is gone. Another part — the attachment system — has simply predicted, for years, that this being would be there. That second system is slow to update. It's why pet parents wake up in the morning expecting to hear their pet, or walk in the door expecting them to come running — and feel a fresh wave of grief each time they don't. Rituals, Judith Eve Rosen explains, help that part of the brain slowly relearn: this is the phase they are in now. They are still with us, but in a different way.

Question 1

What is a continuing bond in pet loss grief?

Accepted Answer

A continuing bond is an ongoing relationship with a pet who has died — maintained through memory, visualization, ritual, and intentional acts of remembrance. Unlike older models of grief that emphasized "letting go" and "moving on," continuing bond theory recognizes that love doesn't end at death. Judith Eve Rosen, LCSW explains that when we picture our pet in our lap, remember the weight and warmth of them, or speak their name aloud in a ritual, we are actively maintaining a bond that supports healing rather than preventing it. The goal is not to stop loving — it is to find healthy, meaningful ways to carry that love forward.

Question 2

What is the BrightHaven Three-Day Honoring Ritual?

Accepted Answer

The BrightHaven Three-Day Honoring Ritual is a post-death honoring practice developed by Gail Pope over thirty years of caring for animals at BrightHaven sanctuary. After an animal dies, their body is placed in a beautiful, intentional space — surrounded by flowers, candles, and their favorite objects. Their fur is groomed, their body is washed, and community members — human and animal — are invited to spend time in that space. The ritual typically lasts three days, though the length is guided by a felt sense of completion rather than a fixed timeline. Gail describes it as honoring the full journey of the animal and allowing everyone in the community, including other animals, to understand what has happened and begin to process the loss together.

Question 3

Why does grief catch us off guard in the days after a pet dies, even when we were present at the death?

Accepted Answer

Neuroscientist Mary Frances O'Connor, author of The Grieving Brain, describes two simultaneous brain processes that occur after a significant loss. One part of the brain was present at the death and knows the pet is gone. Another part — the attachment system — has simply predicted, for years, that this being would be there. That second system is slow to update. It's why pet parents wake up in the morning expecting to hear their pet, or walk in the door expecting them to come running — and feel a fresh wave of grief each time they don't. Rituals, Judith Eve Rosen explains, help that part of the brain slowly relearn: this is the phase they are in now. They are still with us, but in a different way.

Question 4

How do remaining animals in the home respond to the death of a companion?

Accepted Answer

Animals grieve. Gail Pope shares from decades of observation at BrightHaven that animals respond to a companion's death in ways that are deeply individual — some step right over the body as if they sense immediately that the spirit is gone; others sit with the body for a long time. In the days and weeks following a loss, remaining animals may show signs of depression, reduced appetite, or changes in behavior. Judith Eve Rosen recommends watching for these signs and consulting a veterinarian if they persist, while also offering extra play, affection, and attention — even when the human caregiver is also grieving and that feels hard. Allowing remaining animals to witness and understand what happened, rather than having a companion simply disappear, supports their ability to process the loss.

Question 5

What is disenfranchised grief, and why does it affect pet parents?

Accepted Answer

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not fully acknowledged or validated by society. Pet loss grief is one of the most common forms. Unlike the death of a human family member, pet loss rarely comes with formal support structures — no community mourning rituals, no bereavement leave, and often dismissive responses from people who "don't understand." Judith Eve Rosen notes that this lack of social acknowledgment can intensify grief and leave pet parents feeling isolated and ashamed of the depth of what they feel. The growing field of veterinary social work, alongside cultural conversations like this one, is working to change that.

Question 6

Should bereavement leave include pet loss?

Accepted Answer

Judith Eve Rosen, LCSW makes a clear case that yes, bereavement leave should include pet loss. Pet parents are often functionally unable to work following a significant loss — the grief is real and it is disabling, regardless of whether an employer formally recognizes it. Even two or three days of acknowledged leave can make a meaningful difference, both practically and symbolically. It communicates to the grieving employee that their loss matters. Some forward-thinking employers have already begun to include pet loss bereavement policies, and Judith sees this as an important part of the broader cultural shift toward recognizing the human-animal bond.

Question 7

How can children be included in pet loss grief rituals?

Accepted Answer

Judith Eve Rosen recommends involving children directly and honestly in pet loss grief, rather than shielding them from it. One of her favorite practices is the memory jar: each family member receives a slip of paper — ideally something beautiful, like origami paper — and writes down a memory of the pet. The slips are folded and placed in a jar. When anyone in the family is missing the pet, they reach in and read one. For children too young to write, an older sibling or parent can serve as their scribe. The memory jar gets the whole family talking about their memories and their feelings — which is exactly what children need. Pet loss is often a child's very first experience of grief, and how that loss is held by the adults around them shapes their relationship with grief for the rest of their life.

Question 8

Why is pet loss so often our first experience of grief, and why does that matter?

Accepted Answer

Because pets have shorter lifespans than humans, many of us encounter the death of a pet before we encounter the death of a person we love. Karen Wylie, EdD reflects that in a grief certification program, nearly every participant identified a pet loss as their earliest grief memory — and nearly all of them had learned painful lessons from it, because their parents had minimized it, lied about what happened, or simply removed the pet without explanation. Judith Eve Rosen notes that this kind of ambiguous loss — where a beloved animal simply disappears — can be more traumatic than knowing the truth. The lessons we learn, or fail to learn, from our first grief experience quietly shape every loss that follows. This is one of the most important reasons to hold pet loss with genuine care and acknowledgment, especially for children.

Question 9

What is anticipatory grief in pet loss?

Accepted Answer

Anticipatory grief is the grief that begins before a pet dies — often from the moment a serious diagnosis is received. It includes the accumulating losses of illness and decline: loss of mobility, loss of independence, loss of the activities you once shared. It is real grief, and it deserves the same care and attention as loss that comes after death.

Question 10

How is anticipatory grief different from grief after sudden pet loss?

Accepted Answer

Anticipatory grief unfolds over time and can allow pet parents to be more present with their pets — to bring favorite foods, spend extra time together, and begin processing the coming loss. Sudden pet loss adds a layer of trauma that anticipated loss generally doesn't carry. That trauma can interfere with the grief process itself and may require specific clinical support to work through.

Question 11

Can pet loss cause PTSD?

Accepted Answer

Yes. When pet loss involves sudden, traumatic circumstances — an accident, an unexpected death — it can lead to PTSD symptoms including flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and avoidance behaviors. Licensed mental health professionals trained in trauma can help. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is one evidence-based approach used specifically for this kind of trauma.

Question 12

What is Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and how does it help with pet loss?

Accepted Answer

Cognitive Processing Therapy is an evidence-based treatment that comes out of cognitive behavioral therapy. It helps people examine the thoughts — often beliefs like "it was my fault" or "I should have done something different" — that keep them stuck in trauma and prevent them from accessing the grief beneath. Using structured worksheets and Socratic questioning, CPT helps people see a fuller, more accurate picture of what happened.

Question 13

Does prolonged grief disorder apply to pet loss?

Accepted Answer

The current clinical definition of prolonged grief disorder in the DSM-5 technically applies to the loss of a person, not an animal companion. However, licensed pet loss therapists — including Judith Eve Rosen, LCSW, who addresses this directly in Episode 057 of Peace of Mind for Pet Parents — observe that grieving pet parents frequently display the same patterns the diagnosis describes: withdrawal from daily life, inability to engage in meaningful activities, and significant difficulty functioning a year or more after loss. The clinical framework and the professional support it offers are very much available to pet parents, even where a formal diagnosis may not apply. See our full discussion of the DSM-5 and pet loss below.

Question 14

Can pet owners be diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder after losing a pet?

Accepted Answer

Not under the current DSM-5 definition, which limits the diagnosis to the loss of a human being — a limitation that many pet loss clinicians find frustrating and incomplete. What pet owners can access is the clinical support, therapeutic frameworks, and professional guidance that accompany the diagnosis — including therapists like Judith Eve Rosen, LCSW who specialize specifically in pet bereavement and understand the depth of the human-animal bond. If you are a pet parent who is still significantly struggling a year or more after a loss, professional support is available and appropriate. You do not need a formal diagnosis to deserve help.

Question 15

What is prolonged grief disorder?

Accepted Answer

Prolonged grief disorder is a clinical diagnosis recently added to the DSM-5. It describes grief that is still causing severe sadness, yearning, and significant difficulty functioning 12 months after a loss. While the DSM-5 technically refers to the loss of a person, pet loss therapists observe the same patterns in grieving pet parents. If someone is still unable to engage in normal daily activities a year after a pet's death, a professional evaluation may be helpful.

Question 16

How do I know if my grief after pet loss needs professional support?

Accepted Answer

Grief is a natural human process and does not need to be treated like a disorder. However, if — a year or more after your loss — you are still unable to go places you once loved, engage in activities that used to bring meaning, or function in daily life, it may be worth speaking with a licensed mental health professional. Seeking help is not a betrayal of your pet's memory. It is a way of honoring the bond you shared.

Question 17

What is the DSM-5, and why does it matter for pet loss?

Accepted Answer

The DSM-5 — the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition — is the clinical reference guide used by licensed mental health professionals in the United States to identify and diagnose behavioral and emotional health conditions. It is published by the American Psychiatric Association and sets the standard criteria that therapists, psychologists, and social workers use when evaluating a client's experience. The DSM-5 recently added prolonged grief disorder as a recognized diagnosis — acknowledging that grief, under certain conditions, can significantly impair a person's ability to function and may benefit from clinical treatment. It is important to note that the DSM-5's current definition of prolonged grief disorder uses the word person, which technically limits the diagnosis to the loss of a human being. Pet loss therapists — including Judith Eve Rosen, LCSW, who discussed this directly in this episode — acknowledge that limitation and note that it is one that many clinicians in the pet loss field take issue with. What they observe in pet parents who are still struggling a year or more after a loss closely mirrors the prolonged grief disorder pattern: withdrawal from daily life, inability to engage in activities that once brought meaning, and significant difficulty functioning. While a formal diagnosis may not apply, the clinical framework and the professional support that accompanies it very much can. For pet parents who are deeply struggling long after a loss, that support is available — and seeking it is not a betrayal of the bond they shared with their animal.

Question 18

When is the right time to get a successor animal after pet loss?

Accepted Answer

There is no single right answer — the decision is deeply individual. However, pet loss therapists often caution against getting a successor animal before processing the loss, particularly when someone imagines the new pet will fill the exact emotional role of the one who died. Reflecting on your expectations — and whether they're realistic for the animal you're considering — is an important first step.

Question 19

What did Judith Eve Rosen mean when she said grief can be a gift?

Accepted Answer

Judith noted that anticipatory grief and hospice care give pet parents something sudden loss does not: time. Time to bring favorite foods, take days off work to simply be present, say the things that need to be said, and begin processing the loss before it arrives. That time, however painful, is something many grieving pet parents who experienced sudden loss wish they had been given.

Posts Tagged ‘pet loss therapy’

Peace of Mind for Pet Parents Episode 057: Grieving Before and After Pet Loss: Anticipatory Grief, Trauma, and When to Seek Help (Part 2)

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